End Credits

Thought about ways to start this post off right. But I guess the only way to do it is "it's been a while since I wrote here". So...

This space has always been my vent-spot for 5 years. The main reason I started this blog was because it was the cool thing back then to have one and edit the layout and shit.  And because of one girl lol. But this space has always been my venting spot.

When Twitter was a mere vision, blogspot was where I'd throw down any problems I had. Even now in the Twitter era, I'm finding it hard to come up with things to vent anymore. I guess I have finally found some sort of peace.

With that being said, this will be my last post on this blog. :)

If you'd ask me in 2008 where I'd be 5 years from then, I would've never imagined saying "writing my last post on a train in Melbourne on the way back home". But I guess that's life: you never expect what's coming to you, just like all the things I've learned in a matter of five years.

From the inability to handle emotions to gaining a grasp in life, it has been a hell of a journey. To all the people that have followed me since the beginning, I thank you for the comments on posts. *raises fist to the sky My people! Haha

Through everything, it has taken a long time to reach this point and it will take longer to reach the next step in life. The only difference is how I m going to handle things now. After all the shit that I've managed to pull myself out of, the sweat, the tears and the heartbreak, I've finally triumphed (see what I did there)

Goodnight, goodbye and God bless.

Oh and I missm u.

Jesse.

Doubts and Other Shenanigans

Was doing some thinking as I laid back (or failed to do so) on a 98 degree upright chair, with the air temperature probably around nine degrees. No lie, it is 9 degrees right now.

Anyway, was thinking about doubts and stuff along that line. The previous week were full of doubts; stuff like, "What if I can't do the test?", "What if she doesn't feel the same way?" and even "What if they don't miss me?" . At first, I thought it was just me being selfish, always thinking about what's in it for me. And that was basically true, it was just me finding problems out of nothing, and it got the better of me (to a certain extent).

Sometimes doubts can be seen as shadows casted out by some figment imagination that we create when everything seems to be going well. Can you believe that, we even question when things DO go well. Yeap, you're right, I have no idea as to where I'm going with this post. Haha

But as I was sitting out on the balcony, taking time to just stop worrying about everything, I asked for a reason certain specific doubts ever came to be in the first place. I was met with an answer: A guy came out of nowhere singing, "Here I Am To Worship ".

Dude had some mighty faith... Back to the point..

The guy showed me more in 5 seconds of listening to him than in the past 7 days I was wondering why I was filled with all these doubts.

I had no faith in the future, and that I cared too much about what people thought about me.

So, I guess doubts will always be there so as long as there is something good going for anyone. The important thing is to go with the flow and let everything happen because it's suppose to, and not because of what we perceive as "should happen". And who cares about what other people think about us? If everybody tried to follow people's expectations, what's there left for people like them to do anyway? Whether they miss me or not, when I get back there, I know I'll be welcomed back, and good times will roll.

As for the doubt about mutual feelings, I can't say much about that anymore and I think I'm done questioning every aspect about it. But damn, she looked beautiful today. Technically, today is a new day already, so what i meant was yesterday. Uh, stupid DST...

"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts"

Call it what you want, but this is what it is for what it is. Confusing much? Yeap. LOL. Anyway, here we go again. Read this, and decided to re-post it, seeing as though I hardly ever post anything up anyway.

"

I'll tell you one thing that you might not know that I know.

Your eyes are brown.

Your personality is verging on whack crazy meets fact sheets that you sometimes share and then stop mid-way because you think it makes you sound like a nerd.

Your laugh is beyond this world and is one of the most attractive things about you.

Your tongue is sharp, but you still make your words as kind as possible. You don't see a lot of that nowadays, and that's something to be appreciated.

Everything about you is not what it seems to be; many people don't see the real you, but sometimes, I'd like to say that I do.

That's why i don't understand the reason you say that you're fat or that you talk too much. It's honestly every thing that makes me smile when I think about you.

But out of all the things that I've written, I always, always go back to your big, brown eyes. As corny as this whole thing is, it's about to get worse: God definitely must have spent a little more time on you.

All this I know, when your brown eyes looked into mine.

"

Anyway, I'm done and slightly hungover. Goodnight.

The 50 Eight Year Old Man

It's been a good couple weeks since I've written anything in here. School work and work has been taking up most of my free time, but it feels great to finally say that most of it has been finished and now I can finally post something new up.

And posting something on this particular day makes this post even more special.

I've tried constructing sentences to open the post, but it usually ends with frantic backspacing.

In short, it's my Dad's birthday today.

The Gemini. I think a friend of mine once told me that Geminis were very hot tempered or something, and my Dad was no exception. It was so easy to tick him off (ask my sister) and that temper instilled fear into the people he worked with.

Despite all that fear, nobody doubted who Thomas Song was. Yes, he was a hot head, but he always came through. i would go to the place he worked and people would still be talking about him; about the great person he was. One account was that he came in early one time, and sat at the reception desk, which was facing the doors to the company. As the employees of the company came in, he would greet them one by one with a smile. For those who came late, let's just say they didn't get such a warm greeting as the others.

Yes, people knew him as the manager of a company, that one guy you don't fuck around with. People might say that they know him, but I can guarantee that they never had the chance of knowing him like how my family and I did.

To me, he was Dad.

In a time when everything was more simple, when the most worrisome thought my generation had was whether the school's computer lab would allow us to play Red Alert 2, I knew for a fact that when that school bell rang, I was coming home to rest, and come 5.00pm, I would always expect a call from a father who had been working 8 hours and still wanted to know if the family needed anything before coming back home to a hug and a kiss from them.

He would sit at the dinner table, without his shirt (LIKE A BOSS) and would listen to my mother talk. He would then proceed to break his silence by asking me how was my day. After dinner, he gets cleaned up and finishes up any work brought back from home and proceed to his bed where he would watch the news and proceeds to fall asleep within the following five minutes, only to wake up and hug me and my mom before proceeding to go back to his dream.

During the weekends, he would check his email to read the word of God and sometimes he'd share something with me(if i wake up as early as he does). the family would then go to the market where he'd just buy a shit ton of stuff and the rest of the afternoon would consist of him, my mom and our maid cooking a storm up. Dad never understood what "more than enough" meant when he cooked for us, so my mum would always have to eat extra to ensure the fridge would never overfill. the evenings would consist of him taking time out with the family, or call my sister who at the time was in Australia. We'd pass the phone around, he'd never not show a smile on his face when he sees one of us talking to her.

During the last few days of 2002, things were not looking up. I saw my father walk down a couple of stairs, pale and tired. Yet, he still took us out to see the capital. Though tired and in pain, he still brought us shopping at an adjacent mall. he'd tell me "Go and see the toys. I sit here for a while".

When 2003 arrived, he told us, "I'd never think I'd see 2003". No one can imagine the sadness we all felt as he said that. But the good Lord gave him a couple more days, and that was all anyone of us could ever ask for.

The last few days I was so worried that everytime he'd fall asleep in his chair, I'd go up to him to see if he was still breathing.

He was able to witness my mum get another year older before he went back Home. And, honestly, ever since then, life changed.

He would've been 58 today. I wouldn't even be in Kuching anymore if he was here.

I apologize if I'm bumming you guys out, but loss like this, never heals over time. 8 years on and it still hurts. Angels like him never really stay on Earth too long anyway. I guess everything happens for a reason. I would've never become the person I am if it wasn't for him. 11 years having a father like that, and he has taught me so many things. And he's an amazing father and always will be one. I mean, seriously, if there was a Fathers Hall of Fame, he would be in there.

:)

He died a man with many illnesses, but he lives on as the best father anyone could ever ask for. He got me playing an instrument I can;t seem to get enough of anymore, he got me a life growing up I could only dream of, but most importantly, he gave me himself; a guy who said,"Screw you stereotypical strong father image never shows love for anyone" and showed his family that he loved them every single day he was blessed to walk this Earth.

Happy birthday Dad

My gift to you is to promise you that God willing I get to have my own family, I will become a father just as kick-ass as you were.

I love you.

Friendboat, geddit? *derp

Hey guys!

First off, seeing it's 22/4 where I'm at, Happy Good Friday! Read an interesting re-tweet this morning and it went something like ow we don't see the good in bad circumstances, and he related it to Good Friday, and it kinda made some sense. I don't know, thought I'd share that with you guys.

Anyway, thought'd I'd touch on friendship today. BTW, did anyone get the title? No? LOL.

Friendships are among the many things in life that keep us sane. You can have a bad day and these amazing group of people can instantly cheer you up without them knowing about it. Whether it's friends from elementary school, high school, college or even someone you thought you'd have a connection with on a friend-friend basis.

But as you enter a new phase in life, specifically adulthood, life forces us to abandon the comfort zone we grew up in and it generally affects the friendships we have with said friends. Let's be honest guys, how many of us have actually kept contact with our friends from our high school days/ college days?

You can say that it is part and parcel of life, but some people do let go of friendships for all the wrong reasons.

I just don't understand why or how some people can forget their friends when things get better for them, ya know?

Is it really human instinct to let go of something good and beautiful when you have a deal to get paradise? Or in this case a better friend? I never intended to make this post about me, but as I think about it, I know for a fact that I'm not a perfect friend but I make damn sure that none of my friends get left behind no matter what circumstances. Sure, it'll take a while for it to hit me that I should whenever I am out and I see two or three people missing from the group, but I will.

And it sucks to lose a really close friend to such a situation. At the end of the day, all we can do is make a decision: be loyal and wait it out as the pain carries on with you OR call them out and move on. Either way, it will suck balls deep.

TO whoever is going through this problem, this is for you:

"You are amazingly beautiful. You want to know the reason? The fact that you took the time to realize what is going on with your friend, searched for your current situation on a search engine and got this half-butt explanation post about it means that you care, even if you were blog jumping and read this. And for that, you're just amazing. Times are hard now, BUT it will end. Just remember, it's hard to see the good in the bad circumstances. So, take this time, go out, party (responsibly if you're old enough), have fun. And eventually, you'll find the strength (which is NOT FOUND AT THE BOTTOM OF A BEER BOTTLE or cig stick) to find a solution to the problem. But the important thing is to know that you're definitely not alone in this. I mean hey, if this sad sack of poop can get through this, the chances of you getting through it too is off the charts high. =)"

I don't care if I seem like a dumbass, writing all this, expecting people to comment and give it good reviews, I really don't. I felt like shiz when I thought I was losing my close friend and I only wished someone said the above to me. And you know what, you guys deserve to be told that. So, any life I managed to make feel better, even just for the time they had their browser on the blog, it's better than all the followers, good reviews and spam messages in my chat box combined.

Thanks guys :)

seriously, did anyone get the title? :(

NumNumNumNum

Judging by some of my more recent posts, one can say that it has indeed been a weird 2011 thus far. I'm not going to bitch and moan about how how so-and-so fucked up this-and-that

I know what you're thinking..."thank God it's not another post about you being all sad and shit"

(skip to *** section if you do not wish to read explanation of sad days)

I guess everybody has their terribad days. There's only so much one person can take, and if it means that he or she has to vent out some emo post every once in a while to sustain a sense of mental sanity, so be it, right? Hell, that's one of the many reasons why people create blogs anyway: to say something, without actually literally saying it, ya know?

And who is anybody to say "ohh, you can't type that kind of sad stuff on the Net, bleurgh huh...*derp". If you don't like content from a certain blog, then just don't read it. Don't have to be a troll. SO, I implore anyone to use their blogs the way they see fit, bearing in mind the obvious set of COMMON SENSE RULES.

***

With that being said, I got another thing to type out.

While I was going through the whole, terrible feeling phase for about the first three months of 2011, I was obviously sort of depressed. I would get up from bed pretty early to do some stuff, come back, surf the Web, if not, I would be in classes, eat lunch, eat dinner and go to bed. While each of these activities happen, I couldn't help but feel angry and sad. I was confused and utterly disappointed in finding myself in this predicament.

Zoom to April, and things are a lot better now. Things with friends, things with university stuff, mostly all important aspects of my life are doing pretty well. Occasionally, factors which come from the outside will piss me off and, honestly, I kinda find myself not being as easily agitated. at all.

I had a fight with someone recently, and that led to the post below this one. Despite pulling off an image of myself being very down, I could not really feel angry or bothered by it, or at least not as much as I thought I would be bothered.

That's when I start to wonder, after months of crazy sadness, combined with the random packets of sadness I have encountered over the past 19 years, have I finally turned into someone who has become somewhat numb towards emotional issues?

Don't get me wrong, if someone I know is having a bad day and wants to find me for comfort, I'll be their awesome teddy bear, I'm just saying like, numb towards my own emotional woes, ya know?

It is sort of a good thing. I wouldn't have to get pissed off every time something bad happens anymore and I guess I can control my temper a bit better. The cons is that I may not be able to take certain stuff as serious as they should be taken anymore.

Maybe it is too soon to tell whether this numbness will stay or go away. Like I've said, the past few days have been good. But one thing is for sure, instead of wondering too much about this numbness, I'll just get to steppin' with life, see where it goes and if I learn something along the way, I'll be sure to share it over here.

Have a good weekend guys!

Will post something else soon. Thanks for reading!

Slow Ride, Take It Easy

Recently, I've been feeling as though time has been passing really slowly.

What does this say about me?

I would text a friend and it will feel like an hour until I receive a reply from the dude, and it was actually more like 5 minutes ago.

Someone once told me that when time passes us by quickly, it's usually because we're busy doing something and with all that concentration on said task, we never realise how much time we spend on it.

So, judging by this theory, it only makes sense if time slows down because there's nothing to do?

I've been doing a couple assignments for my course, and have been keeping myself busy with random activities, and yet, it doesn't feel as though time is moving fast at all.

It's not that I don't enjoy all these activities, I kinda do.

Then I wonder whether I even want time to move by me faster. I mean, I'm leaving in a couple months for a new place, not really looking forward to what is in store in terms of education stuff, in the near future and a few other things.

Perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me or something. It's been pretty effed up lately.

Been a couple rough weeks. Things have been getting slightly better, but nonetheless..

Never have I felt this powerless, this unmotivated to do anything, and honestly, it bothers me.

What does this say about me?

I don't know, all I need right now is either a warm bed and a nice cool room or a nice hug.

The hug sounds better. Lol.